Harry Potter According to Me
by I Am Not Darth Vader
Summary: I have never read nor watched Harry Potter. This is my interpretation of the story. This is just a joke, so nothing makes sense... you were warned....


This story started out as a joke that I posted on a note on facebook, but I decided to put it here for a laugh. Before you read this, let me warn you….

I have never read any of the six Harry Potter books, nor have I ever seen any of the four movies. All (well, mostly all) that I wrote are misconceptions that I have had/still have about Harry Potter. All of this miniscule knowledge came from hearing my HP-obsessed friends talk about him, taking some HP quiz in a magazine (I got a 5 out of 50), and reading one of my best friend's HP fanfic. That is all.

Please do not flame me and tell me how ignorant I am. I know that. That's why I posted this here… as a joke. Take it as it is and just laugh.

Anyway, you all were warned… nothing will make sense….

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Once upon a time, there lived some boy (who was NOT albino) named Harry Potter. His parents, Lilly and James, were dead, and Harry had a lightning bolt-shaped scar, which apparently made him cool. He lived in England with his Uncle Vernon and his aunt, who did not have a name. One day, Harry's Uncle Vernon walked into Harry's room, wearing a blanket over his head and flapping his arms around.

"Uncle Vernon?" Harry asked, confused (and to be quite honest, more than just a little freaked out).

"I'm a wizard, Harry!" Uncle Vernon cried, wildly waving his arms in the air.

"What? You're a wizard?"

Uncle Vernon considered. "Damn!" he said, smacking his forehead. "I got that line wrong. Hold that thought." Uncle Vernon ran out of the room, leaving Harry staring confused at the door. Suddenly, Uncle Vernon re-rushed into the room, this time without the blanket.

"You're a wizard, Harry!" he said, triumphant that he finally got the line right.

"Oh, is that all?" Harry asked in a bored tone.

"Yes. That means you get to go to Hogwarts Wizard School."

"Neat-o."

The next day, Uncle Vernon abandoned Harry at the Charring Cross train station. As he was waiting on the Platform Sneaker, he met two fellow Hogwarts students, Hermione Granger, who looked like she stuck her finger in a socket, and Ron Weasley, who looked like his head was on fire.

Hermione's parents owned an exotic dancing club. Historically, though, the Grangers were once pig farmers, since apparently they were mugglers, too (look it up—mugglers are pig farmers in medieval times). Anyway, that was Hermione.

Ron was the youngest son out of approximately 13,659 children. Since his parents had so many children (and possibly lived in a shoe, and maybe in Egypt), they were really poor, and Ron was wearing an ugly poncho.

So anyway, they all became friends and lived in the same building in Hogwarts and had matching scarves.

They had many interesting teachers at Hogwarts, including Dumbledwarf, some sort of magical midget, Hazard, a hairy bear-man whose real name was Rubik's Cube, Syphilis Snipe, who no one could agree if he should or should not be trusted, and Voldemort, who was really Christopher Marlowe, but went crazy and changed his name to Voldemort when he was writing Dr. Faustus. But Voldemort went psycho and left the school and became evil. Eek. 

When the three got to Hogwarts, they met a boy who looked exactly like Harry.

"Who are you?" Harry demanded.

"I'm Larry Potter," the boy said. "Who are you?"

"Harry Potter!"

"Well, I was here first, so you have to leave!" shouted Larry.

"Well, I'm more popular," Harry argued, waving his hand at his fanfare of followers, "so I must be right."

So it ended up that there was this big copyright suit, but the Principle of Hogwarts decided that Harry Potter was better/more profitable than Larry Potter, who, truth be told, was really lame.

After Larry was given the boot, our three heroes met many other students, none of whom were identical to Hermione or Ron. Harry fell in love with some chick named Cho Chang, but then he realized that she was really secretly some guy named Joe, so he gave up on her and cradle-robbed Ginny, Ron's little sister.

One day in Magic Wand class, the teacher who turned into a cockroach was showing the students how to make bogarts turn into what they really were (you accomplish this by yelling "Humphrey!" at it, just so you know), and she instructed her students to pull out their magic wands. Harry was really excited and pulled out his magic wand, which was a silver wand with a big glittery star on the end with ribbons and tassels. But much to his horror, some ugly guy with unnaturally blonde hair sitting next to him, named Dragon, whipped out his magic wand… and it was the exact same as Harry's! This was very upsetting for both of them, since it is embarrassing to have the same magic wand as someone else. They began to argue about who should get to keep his magic wand, and Dragon challenged Harry to a game of Quittach.

If you've never seen a Quittach game, let me tell you that it is very interesting. It involves flying around on a broom and throwing waffles at each other, and the one to catch the most gold balls with wings on them wins. Harry ended up winning and Dragon had to beat up Ron for his magic wand, leaving Ron to use a Dixon Ticonderoga for his magic wand.

One day, Ron walked into his and Harry's room, only to discover that Harry was standing there naked with a horse.

"Harry!" Ron yelled, embarrassed. "What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to destroy my Harry Potter image," he explained.

"Harry, that's the wrong bloody story!" Ron shouted. Harry considered.

"Oh yeah," he said, and he threw on his Cloak of Invisibility, much to Ron's relief.

During their seven years at Hogwarts, Harry, Hermione, and Ron had many other terribly exciting adventures, including saving some prisoner from Azkabenz, finding a sorcerer's stone, meeting a half-blood prince, joining some cult called the Order of the Phoenix, using a fire extinguisher to put out the goblet of fire, and sneaking into Hermione's parents' exotic dancing club, called the Chamber of Secrets.

In the seventh book, called Harry Potter and the Haunted Halloween, Harry will get drafted for the Iraq War, and possibly get killed by Christopher Marlowe. It will end with this sentence… "And then Harry Potter went to the hospital and got plastic surgery to remove his scar."

The End


End file.
